The Faux Farm Girl

The Faux Farm Girl

I had an interesting year. One of my unchecked boxes on my bucket list, as many of you know, is to be like you, a farmer or rancher! You guys are my heroes!

God knew that…and so this year he gave me a chance to prove myself!

He wrote a poem about the experience…and asked if I would share it with you.

Reluctantly, I agreed……

The Faux Farm Girl

Her Dad was a butcher, her mom was a cook 

But when I made Jan

Well, I just stopped to look

Now that just ain’t right

Got some adjusting to do

But I'll make her a farm gal before it's all through

Because I know there's a farmer

Somewhere in her heart.

But the adjustments are major,

Not sure where to start. 

I'll trade in her Calvin’s for Carhardt, I will 

And boots that kick dirt in the farm fields  

But still...

The clothes don’t make cowgirls

It's hard work-- no play

But I’ll make her an Aggie come end of the day!

I'll send her to Yuma where farmers are fine!

There’s plenty of land, and a ton of sunshine

I’ll make her a Rovey, A Smallhouse, A Kerr.

Or a Dugan, Thelander, a Heiden, for sure!

I’ll teach her to farm and to milk goats, you know?

I’ll give her a mentor like, well, Rhonda Crow!

But…..what HAPPENED….was THIS:

Oh, I brought her to Yuma

To harvest some greens

But her yield—well, amounted to one hill of beans.

I shipped to her Wilcox…and Annie’s great Orchard

Imagine what happened…

Those apples got tortured.

I sent her to see how a farmer survives!

But she asked how they do it without Facebook lives?

She tried driving tractors but got in a jam

You can't drive a John Deere

AND  Instagram!

I sent her to Eloy to learn to pick cotton

As well as expected…the idea was, well rotten.

Poor Tiffany and Rodney….They did what they could

But they shipped her out quickly

As well they should

I sent her to Hickman's

Oh, what a disgrace 

‘cuz I’m  the one that got egg on my face

I showed her a ranch where the cows

 They did roam

 But came time for brandin’?

she brung em all home!

She tried milkin’ everything!

Oh, that was a joy…

All she could milk  was a carton of soy

She tried growing chilis and Swiss chard and such

But the whole darn experiment

was just too dang much.

 When Julie writes pressers

Can she help me save face?

I don’t want this gal–­­­­­--to be farming’s disgrace!

Well, Jan sat me down at the end of the  Day,

Said, Lord…I can’t do this…d’ya think we can pray?

I wanna be a farm girl and work these great lands.

But I know what you’re thinking…..it’s out of your hands.

But wait, Lord…HOLD ON, HERE!

This COULD be my FATE!

I’ll Grow You Some HEMP

Thanks to SB TEN 98!

So Grosetas and Heidens and Bagnalls and Boelts…

I’ll make sure she don’t come near your cows and your colts.

Or your farms or your ranches

Just AIN’T meant to be

My Jan Project’s done with….

She’ll stay on TV!

Editor’s note: Originally recited during the 3 rd Annual FFA Blue & Gold Gala, February 23, D’Atri had so many requests for the poem, Arizona Farm Bureau’s “The Voice” offered to publish her poem. Note to Jan: You are our honorary Arizona Farmer. 

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